FINALS WEEK! FINALS WEEK! I AM GOING QUIETLY INSANE. WHAT TO DO!! I will be happy when this week is over. I must pass Japanese. I am trying to think really positive.

I did feel thankful today. Thankful for a good family in spots. I am thankful for good friends. I am thankful for awesome boyfriend. I am just thankful to be alive. I cannot help but be anxious though. I have a Japanese Lesson test on Monday. I have to pass it. I really freaking do. There is no choice. I just don't know how to really study for these, especially the kanji writing part. That is worth 4 pts on the test and where I miss my big chunk. The other is the homework questions. I have to get my outline done for Comp lit and retype my sakubun. OH! Add that to the grading quizzes and tallying final grades. So, I am thankful to have the energy to these things. It is just tinged with anxiety. Then after that is the last week of classes then finals. I really do have to hang in there.

Oh, the joy of not having to go there for a week. I still have my last Nihongo lesson test to study for. I have to turn in a thesis and outline. Thankfully, I have work on Tuesday. I need the moolah since I was shafted out of a job next semester. I will try to have some fun on the break. Cat and Loan want to do something. But their planning skills are not that great. I really want to get Sims 2 World Adventures. I can spend my b-day money I guess. I miss my Sims 2 but I cannot get the shit to work. >_< I am making a mental Christmas list in my head. It is so I can budget things. I need to be more budget oriented. Actually, I need to be more organized in my tasks. Part of me loves being idle. I like doing things went I want to do them. This does not work for me right now though.

Yesterday, the remains of a hurricane blew through. I rained and the wind shook everything all day. Well, the rain is now gone and the wind remains. It is also very cold. I hate cold weather. All it makes me want to do is burrow under the covers. Instead, I have to grade my class' homework. I need to start studying and writing my kanji. X_X I have to pass the next two Japanese tests! The lesson test is the day we get back from Thanksgiving break. I know what I will be doing during break. I am sick of school, the UGA end of it anyway. I just want to pass everything and make it through the semester. I need some enjoyment dammit!

2 days into into it already. My birthday is Friday. A good old solid 24. I should have accomplished more by now. I am trying to finish at UGA. That is just the main goal at the moment. I need some consistent income. There is also my never-ending dream of being in Japan. I am looking forward to my birthday with serenity. So, Sasaki IS NOT TEACHING my Japanese class next year. They are shoving everyone into one class with a new dude. I am so worried. Not about the new teacher but making it to the next class, period. I have to pass these next two tests highly. I do great on my quizzes, my essays, and I have been doing the extra credit like crazy. I am just so worried it is something that lives with me everyday. I need to do good on the oral too.

Nyah, all my favorite authors are talking about their new books coming out. I have to wait until next year for the next Anita Blake book and the next Jacqueline Carey book! But Divine Misdemeanors is coming out. I am into the Outlander series now.

I want to see a Jrock band in concert again! Miyavi had to cancel and Diru just does not want to come back. Though, I would like to see someone new.

Things have been a strange mess. I got screwed out of my teaching job in the spring. It was screwing and the higher ups not being clear. They promised me the class I wanted then gave it to someone else because she refused to teach unless she HAD all the classes that day. That is kinda greedy. I registered for classes. I have all these Asian related classes...then my general elective is Italian culture. I think Italy is cool. I have a full workload next semester. I WILL JUST BE SO FUCKING POOR! Nihon evades my grasp. It is hard not to feel depressed. My birthday is in two weeks. I can't get too excited. I mean, I am happy in some ways. I just don't have anything fun planned to do. 24. Jeez. Years ago I could hardly imagine. I certainly could not imagine where I would be.

It is raining AGAIN. I like the crisp, sunny fall days we have been having. Summer rain is fine...but rain in the Fall and Winter is icky. I feel sleepy and unproductive. -sighs- I won't be going to Japan this Winter. I expected such an outcome. It is depressing. I just need to save as much as possible. It is the GOAL. It is what I dream about reasonably. I don't...idealize Japan. I expect anything from it. I am just tired of not being able to go. All my stuff keeps breaking! It is frustrating. My external drive broke and I felt like weeping. The model was so breakable and cheap. I do not like seagate products! I went to a friend's wedding on Friday. It was interesting to go to a cheap college wedding. At least they realized that it is the MARRIAGE that is important and not the wedding.

I have to have an boyfriend talk about his...lack of focus. >_

That about sums it up. I am freaking out over my Japanese midterm. I have to do good on it! I agree with a guy in my class, Sasaki's test are ridiculous. I hate them. At least I don't have to write Kanji on this test. It is my biggest weakness. That and making ridiculously complicated sentences. I am all about keeping it simple. I have a British lit one tomorrow too. I think I will be okay with that one. I do take notes in that class. I have one on Wednesday. I also have to make a test for the class I teach. I WANT TO GRADUATE DAMMIT! I am sooo tired. College is a good thing but I am tired of it. I want to stop worrying about money so much. I want my stuff to stop breaking. I want to be in Nihon!

Yes, much Dukkha going on. But how can you not desire?

Recently, with much shame, I have been thoughtless. I don't think what I am about to say all the way through. I have forgotten please and thank yous. I say the first thing that comes into my head without thinking it through. I don't know why this has happened. Stress? Frustration? High expectations? IT IS NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. I am a bit bossy sometimes. I seriously get it from my Mom. But I am no where near her level. My target has been my boyfriend. I feel horrible about this. I actually sat down and shook my head at my self yesterday. I must get back to my better nature. I am actually very pleasant and mellow. I am polite too. I think I have been expecting too many things. A perfect world where everything is good. I should know, that does not happen. I need to be the nice Me again. Anywho, I am going to H-Mart!!! YAY! I can buy some panko. I can make Tonkatsu. And Jeez, October is almost here. Where is the time going? I am happy the rain is gone though. GA under a flood is freaky.

I went to JapanFest yesterday. I had a good time. I just felt cheated on the food. The bowl was soooo tiny for the price. I saw the story of Yoshitsune and Benkei acted out in dance. It was pretty. Yoshitsune is awesome to me. He just got shafted by his nutty brother. I saw a weird Shamisen band. I bought a lovely Japanese doll. I saw some of my friends there and hung out with White-Sensei a bit. It was a good day. Today, my brain is frantic. It's a big Sasaki sensei test. My weak spot is writing Kanji. I am good at recognizing it. I suck at writing it from memory. I am trying to figure out the best approach to this test. Then, I have to create a test for my students tomorrow. Nihongo is everywhere!!!!!

I have not been in a good mood all day. It started when I woke up from a bad dream. I hate having bad dreams. I told Brendon right before I left for class that I was not feeling "it". "It" being positive energy and feelings. I zoned out in most of my classes, my head has been full of dark thoughts, and I was irritated at every single car on the road. I snapped at him when I got home and felt bad afterwards. My Jeep is acting up which means money spend and a trip to the mechanic. I don't think my paycheck is right. I am just very, very grumpy. I am trying not to show it and let it filter out my system.

The Supernatural premiere was awesome. I just wish they picked a better looking man to play Lucifer. Lucifer, a formal angel, is so supposed to be beautiful, right? But then again Lucifer in the show, like the angels, has to have a human body to walk around in on earth.

It a sinus infection that I get at least twice a year. It comes at anytime. It is just as miserable each time. I took proactive measures and got medicine before it got worse. I missed classes yesterday because of it. UGA is a germ pool. I did not need this developing into something worse. I hate being sick in any form. This THING always makes me depressed too. I am trying not to let the two forces work with each other. I do feel better in some ways. I got more energy, less nose running action, and no headache. My lungs are still wheezy and prone to coughing fits. I got my sense of taste and smell mostly back. I wanted to have a nice long weekend. I am hoping that it improves along with my health. I most certainly did not intend to make a 4 day weekend into 5.

I think this semester, I will conquer the Nihongo at UGA. I know it was just a small quiz but it gave me hope. It was better than I thought. I was happy. A small trickle of, "you are going to make it" seeped into my mind. I have to keep my grades up, period. But the Japanese is tied into my being. I also realized the need to plan more for my class. It is like I have two brains. I am in the upper stratums of Japanese classes. My brain keeps moving forward to what I already know and adding to it. With the class I teach, I have to think backwards. I never actually taught a large group of folks their hiragana properly. Or all the beginning words and grammar that just come naturally. I have to go back and break it down. Sometimes I confuse myself or get ahead of myself. I think I am getting better by the day though. I just need to plan ahead better so I can separate my forward thinking brain to my backward one. I am also looking forward financially. I really plan to visit Japan this Winter. I AM DETERMINED. I need to send a longer message to Emily and actually get into talks about it. I am playing out already how to split each paycheck. I need to see the actual amount first. I get paid today. Hopefully the deposit will be done correctly.

It is has been an okay week. UGA class-going could be better. I am so not adjusted to getting up at 8. I cannot eat breakfast in the morning. It makes me sick. I tried and failed Monday. I succeeded in feeling like crap the rest of the day. So, I decided to stop for now. I do take a snack to nibble on until lunchtime. My classes are okay this semester. I am mostly trying to finish my UGA requirements. Yes, I graduated with an A.A., but UGA's departments have things they want you take. JERKS. I am back in Sasaki's class. I do notice a change in her methods. She is more explanatory then before. This is good for me. My highlight was teaching my own class again this week at GSC. It makes me happy. It is hard sometimes, but I find it worth it. Weekends have meaning again. I am already relieved that tomorrow is Friday.

I really do hate rising early for any reason.

I start classes again at UGA. Then on Tuesday I start teaching again. Activity returns once more to my life. I just need my sleeping issues to be conquered. I am glad the class I am teaching is in the afternoon and I don't have to go to UGA on those days. YAY. My first class is pretty far for me. >_< I have to deal with it though. >_< This summer has not been that great, emotionally wise for me. I've been left alone with my thoughts and neuroses for too long. I had no peace during my recent Granny visit. My Grandpa is being...crazy. That is the only word for it. His hording ways have led him to losing home insurance. Then again, having insurance is the hot topic nowadays. Hospitals, homes, cars, and doctor visits are expensive. Having all this "insured" is a driving force in life. I think I am just trying to understand the chaos in living in society today,

July was just an unhappy month for me. I am happy to leave it behind. I am eager to start work and classes again. I need the okane! Emily has settled in Japan now. She is doing what I want to do when I graduate. But I plan on visiting her and I need money for that. I also need the brain stimulation. I feel dull witted. I need to really think again. I am ready to conquer UGA's Japanese program!

I actually have a friend visit. Lauren is actually coming to see me. She followed her man to Japan for a week. >_< Oh well, it has been two months since I have seen her. Cat was the last person I visited with. I have felt pretty isolated this summer. Sensei never contacts me. Friends are hard to visit with. It is hard to been in the world without other people. I am just fine with being alone but this summer it feels hard. I hate being alone with my thoughts too much.

Most will bemoan the fact that summer is over. I don't think I will. I will groan that I wish it had been better. I look forward to classes mainly for the reason I will have something to occupy me. It also means I start teaching again. I love teaching, honestly. I also need the money. I really need it if I go to Nihon. I have looked at traveling in Japan budgets. I am able to minus out needing a hotel and stuff. I am just tired of inactivity! It leaves me alone with my thoughts to much. That is not a good thing. I need to kick my Nihongo studies into overdrive. I cannot meet defeat like I did this Spring. I do wish I had the money to have taken an awesome vacation or to have seen my friends more. The last one I saw was Cat. That was only for lunch though. I think I want girl's day out or something.

I think I am just over things that have been going on this week. Or rather the past few weeks. This week is just as weird. I am TIRED of dog-sitting. 3.5 dogs. I put that half in there because I only have to let one dog out twice the next two days. The other three are 3 times a day, everyday. V_V No Moolah either, though it was suggested by the owner. MOMERT, why must thou discourage her!? I went to the doctor. He was unable to find the exact cause of my bites/rashes. But he did give me two types of medicine to take care of all of it. I do feel better some. I don't expect quick results over night.

My hamsters tried to do outdo themselves last night. The medicine for anxiety made me freak out less and just take care of the problem. That was a nice feeling. I have no idea how the UGA leftovers are going to be paid. I AM POOR.

Maybe of these days I will have something awesome to write about.

I am trying to feel good. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Yesterday was just a bad day. I will not go into detail but it broke down all three. I am trying to rebuild myself. I really hate feeling fragile in any of those categories. If you feel bad in one it usually affects the others. All three is just hell. My body is speckled with bug bites and rashes I do not know the origin of. It's been torture, really. Nights of erratic sleep have not helped. Then the bad day happened. I called my boyfriend crying. I NEVER CRY TO OTHERS. I most certainly do not telephone people sobbing. Crying is said to to therapeutic. >_> I think I have the guy mentality about tears. The fact that I did so shows you how I bad I was feeling. Today has been my recovery day. I am trying to maintain a calm, healthful state. I am adding up the good in my life. I am trying not to scratch at things, literal and figuratively. I am just trying to feel better. I don't wallow in bad feelings or say that my life sucks. I am not that brokedown. I think getting out of this house would help me a little. I need activity. I cannot fix everything but...

I can make me better.

Yeah, right. It is a healthy, most needed activity. When you do not have it, it will make a person feel like a scraped gourd. @_@ I want a night of quiet. For the room to be silent and my mind to be still. I am such an insomniac. Granted, last night was not entirely me. -glares at hamster cage- I wish I had the money for a vacation. But money must be preserved. I just hope what I am saving for comes true. NIHON!!!!!!!!